Guilty Pleasures of Christmastime

We all have them. Some people would nominate egg nog (not the low-fat kind) or homemade sugar cookies with the colored sprinkles. Some others would go for the umpteenth rerun of "Miracle on 34th Street." Nearly everybody has at least one, though.

I must explain that I'm not really a sentimental person, and that Christmas has never been my favorite holiday. (Sorry -- it just doesn't hold a candle to Mardi Gras.) This doesn't mean I'm cruel, curmudgeonly, or numb, just that I don't buy into the hype. As long as everybody around me is having a good time, then I'm satisfied.

I think my new favorite Christmas song is Denis Leary's "Merry F#@$in' Christmas." The accompanying video is a hoot, too, especially if you've seen "Rudolph" just one too many times.

Anyway, here are a few of my favorite guilty pleasures of the season:

• Christmas light and decoration displays. I'm not just talking about tasteful arrangements of strings of tiny white lights, or even the Clark W. Griswold school of Christmas decoration. I'm talking the whole ball of wax, the kitchen sink, and the whole enchilada all rolled up into one and scattered liberally across the front lawn. Giant light-up inflatables of Santa and the Grinch waving at each other over the manger. Mickey Mouse and the Smurfs forming a chorus line with the California Raisins. Projections of Santa and the reindeer on the garage door, just below the Santa and the reindeer installed on the roof. Arrangements so numerous and eclectic that they only make sense to the electric company. The tackier and crazier they are, the better.
  
• Really, what can warm the cockles of your heart more than seeing the SUV that practically ran you off the road a moment ago stuck in a snowbank or in the median strip about a mile later, and the driver's cell phone batteries are kaput? This is the kind of gift that keeps on giving right up until the last snowstorm of the year -- and in this latitude, we've had some of those in May.
  
• Watching two people engaged in a tug-of-war to the death over the last Barf 'n' Boogers Barbie in the store. After they both rip the box to shreds trying to wrest it from each other's grasp, they both leave the mangled carcass on the floor of the store and rush off to do battle with some other crazed shopper eyeing the last Big Mouth Billy Bass (Christmas Edition). There'll be no roast beast for those Whos when they get back to Whoville.